The Hidden Cost of Denial
Denial is an interesting concept. At first glance, it seems like a conscious decision to ignore what’s obvious. But in reality, denial goes much deeper. While it can be a deliberate choice to overlook the signs our life and relationships are giving us, it’s often a subconscious coping mechanism. Our brain uses it to protect us from overwhelming emotions or painful truths. In a sense, our brain doesn’t want us to hurt.
As children, many of us taught ourselves to avoid facing difficult realities as a matter of survival. Now, as adults, our brain continues that same pattern, dismissing important facts to shield us from harsh truths. This isn’t the kind of denial filled with rainbows and unicorns, though that can be one version. The truth is, life isn’t only magical or painful, it’s both. It holds joy and sorrow, the ordinary and the miraculous.
When we face hardship as children, the brain often helps us cope by normalizing what’s happening. That normalization helps us survive. But as adults, this same strategy can trap us in unhealthy patterns. Normalizing dysfunction as children often builds a belief system in our brain, a kind of mental infrastructure, that shapes how we see ourselves, others, and the world.
To keep protecting us, the brain then filters information using something called the Reticular Activating System (RAS), which screens out data that doesn’t align with our core beliefs.
So what does that mean? It means we tend to notice only what confirms what we already believe. That’s a scary thought, because if we filter out perspectives, experiences, or insights that differ from our own, we become stuck. We limit our potential and stunt our growth. Denial convinces us it's protecting us, but in truth, it's holding us back.
Signs of Denial
Some common signs to watch for include:
Minimizing, justifying, or excusing behavior, patterns, or consequences
Being closed-minded or resistant to hearing different opinions
Experiencing unexplained anxiety—possibly from minimizing something serious
Poor sleep or persistent exhaustion, paired with a push-through mentality that avoids rest and reflection
Holding others strictly accountable while refusing to hold yourself to the same standard
Insisting others agree with you or not allowing them to experience the same situation/conversation differently—becoming hurtful or controlling when they don’t
Moving From Denial to Awareness
But how do we break through denial if we don’t even realize we’re in it? How do we move from denial to awareness?
Step one is intention. Acknowledge that your brain may be trying to protect you, and because of that, commit to challenging your thoughts and emotions with humility.
Step two is flexibility. Adopt a growth mindset. Be open to hearing others’ perspectives, even when they feel uncomfortable or contradict your own. Remember: your experiences are limited. Growth happens when we’re willing to expand beyond them.
Step three is reflection. Reflect on what others are saying and on what your life and relationships might be revealing about you. True self-reflection takes courage. It’s not easy to evaluate ourselves honestly, but we can’t claim to have an open mind if we refuse to ask ourselves hard questions.
It also means allowing people into our lives who are willing to challenge us, not by making us feel bad, but by being brave enough to ask the tough questions. The right people won’t force opinions or criticize—they’ll be curious, compassionate, and honest. They’ll invite you to explore new ways of thinking, and in doing so, inspire your own curiosity too.
Final Thoughts
Denial doesn’t bring peace. In fact, it creates internal tension. It might seem like a safe shield, but it leads to deeper, longer-lasting distress, both consciously and subconsciously. Often, the pain we’re trying to avoid would hurt less if we simply leaned into it and dealt with it directly.
Denial will rob you of your inner peace. So ask yourself the hard question: “What is my life trying to tell me about me?” Reflect on the good and the bad. Celebrate what you're doing well—and then humbly confront the difficult truths you might be denying.
You deserve your best. So give it to yourself!
You got this!
© 2025 Dr. Jennie. All Rights Reserved.
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