When You’re on the Receiving End of an Explanation or Defense: How to Communicate Boundaries and Needs
Continuing last week’s discussion on the difference between explaining and defending, let’s explore what happens when you’re the one receiving a defensive response or explanation.
If someone responds defensively, chances are you’ve expressed a concern, disagreement, or pain. It can be difficult to navigate an unexpected or emotionally charged response—especially if you are simply looking to be heard rather than to debate or justify anything.
So, how can you communicate your feelings and concerns without getting pulled into a back-and-forth tug-of-war?
Understanding the Dynamic
If you feel the need to express yourself, it’s likely because this person matters to you, and you want to matter to them. That’s an important foundation to remember. Even if you’re not ready for a full conversation, it ultimately needs to happen for clarity and resolution.
It’s okay not to be ready right away—healthy communication sometimes requires time to process. Allowing space for reflection demonstrates dignity, respect, and trust. When both parties take time to process before having a full discussion, the relationship can grow stronger instead of suffering from reactive, emotionally charged exchanges.
How to Navigate a Defensive Response
Here are key things to consider when facing a defensive reaction:
1. Assume Good Intentions (But Hold Boundaries)
A defensive response doesn’t necessarily mean the other person isn’t taking accountability—it may just mean they care about how you perceive them. While this understanding doesn’t excuse defensive behavior, it can help you let go of resentment and set healthier boundaries.
2. Lead with Intent and Boundaries
If you’re sharing how someone hurt you or something you disagree with, establish clear expectations:
Communicate that you are not seeking an immediate resolution.
Acknowledge that you both need time to process before having a full conversation.
Make it clear that your intention is to protect the relationship by being honest.
If this isn’t your true intention, take a moment to reflect on why you feel the need to speak up. Are you looking for change, closure, or validation? Identifying your personal goal before initiating a conversation will help you communicate more effectively.
3. Process Your Thoughts Before Speaking
When emotions run high, it’s easy to react impulsively. If you haven’t fully processed your emotions, you might communicate from a place of anger and say things you can’t take back (or wish you had worded differently).
Take time to write it out, journal, or talk it through privately before addressing the person. This helps clarify your message and ensures that your words reflect what you truly mean.
4. Responding When Conversations Escalate
If a conversation starts to escalate, it’s easy to get pulled into a reactive cycle. Instead, when someone’s explanation starts to feel like a defense, pause and assess before responding emotionally.
Here’s how to foster understanding rather than escalating tension:
Acknowledge Their Intent: If the person is truly trying to explain, validate their effort before addressing the issue:
"I appreciate you taking the time to explain where you're coming from."
"I hear you, and I understand why you want to share your perspective."
Acknowledging their effort lowers defensiveness and creates space for productive conversation.
Gently Redirect if Needed: If their explanation feels more like self-justification or minimization, guide the conversation back to the core issue:
"I hear your perspective, and I’m not trying to blame or find fault—I just need to express how this impacted me."
"I understand what you’re saying, and I hear the why, but can we focus on how to move forward?"
This prevents the conversation from turning into a debate or a cycle of blame.
Create a Safe Space for Accountability: If their defensiveness stems from fear, reassure them that accountability is not about blame—it’s about growth:
"I’m not looking for a defense; I just want us to understand each other better."
"I’m not trying to attack you, and I appreciate that you're explaining. Let’s work together to find a solution."
This shifts the conversation from defensiveness to problem-solving.
Set Boundaries If Needed: If the person continues to defend instead of listen, or if the conversation feels unproductive, set boundaries:
"I feel like we’re going in circles, and that’s not my intention. Let’s take a moment and revisit this when we’re both ready to hear each other out."
This prevents unnecessary conflict and gives both parties time to reflect.
Different Scenarios, Different Approaches
Although mutual understanding and resolution are always the goal, the way we respond may differ depending on the relationship or setting. Here are some examples:
1. Workplace Conflict
Example: A coworker missed a deadline and is defending themselves instead of taking responsibility.
Response:
"I hear that there were challenges, and I appreciate you sharing them. My goal isn’t to blame—I just want to understand what happened so we can prevent this in the future. What do you think would help next time?"
Why it works: Acknowledges their explanation, removes blame, and redirects toward solutions.
2. Personal Relationships (Friends/Family/Partners)
Example: A friend hurt your feelings, but when you bring it up, they start defending their actions instead of acknowledging your pain.
Response:
"I get that you didn’t mean to hurt me, and I appreciate you explaining your side. But right now, I just need you to understand how it affected me and why it cannot happen again. Can we talk about that first?"
Why it works: Validates their intent while refocusing on your feelings and resolution.
3. Romantic Relationships
Example: Your partner forgot something important, and when you bring it up, they start defending themselves instead of acknowledging the mistake.
Response:
"I know you didn’t do it on purpose, and I’m not trying to attack you. I just want to feel heard and make sure this doesn’t happen again. Can we talk about how we can prevent this in the future?"
Why it works: Removes blame and shifts toward understanding and prevention.
4. Customer Service or Client Interactions
Example: A client is frustrated about a misunderstanding and keeps explaining why they were right.
Response:
"I completely understand why this is frustrating, and I appreciate you sharing your perspective. Let’s figure out how we can make this right for you moving forward."
Why it works: It avoids unnecessary debate and stays solution-focused.
5. Parenting or Teaching
Example: A child or student is explaining why they didn’t complete a task, but it sounds like an excuse.
Response:
"I hear you, and I know it wasn’t easy. Let’s think about what we can do differently next time so this doesn’t happen again. What do you think would help?"
Why it works: Encourages problem-solving instead of punishment and empowers the person to problem-solve and not feel shame. It also communicates your confidence in them to figure it out.
Approaching conversations with clarity instead of confrontation helps de-escalate defensiveness and build stronger relationships. The goal isn’t to “win” the conversation—it’s to communicate effectively while respecting both your needs and the other person’s perspective.
By shifting the focus from defending to understanding, you create space for growth, resolution, and deeper connection. Remember, you got this!
-Dr.Jennie
© 2025 Dr. Jennie. All Rights Reserved.
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