Grace & Accountability: Holding Space Without Letting Go of Standards
Last week, we talked about being our best selves when someone is at their worst. One of the strategies we discussed was having grace for others when they’re not okay. But that’s often easier said than done. So let’s take a deeper look at what grace really is—and isn’t—and how we can offer it to both ourselves and others.
Grace is often confused with excusing behavior or letting someone off the hook, but that’s not what grace truly means. Grace is seeing someone’s humanity—even, and especially, when they mess up. It’s choosing compassion over condemnation and creating space for growth and change.
But grace doesn’t mean ignoring harmful behavior, avoiding hard conversations, or skipping accountability. In fact, acknowledging harm, addressing it directly, and ensuring there are consequences is often the most loving thing you can do—for them and for yourself.
Balancing grace and accountability isn’t easy. It takes intentionality—especially in difficult moments. Accountability ensures that what wasn’t okay is addressed. Grace ensures that people are not forever defined by their mistakes. It doesn’t have to be either/or—it can be both/and.
Why Grace Can Be Hard to Give:
High Expectations (of yourself or others): If you’re hard on yourself, you may (even unknowingly) hold others to the same impossible standard.
Unhealed Hurt or Betrayal: Past pain can create a defensive lens, making forgiveness feel unsafe or undeserved. Unforgiveness tricks us into thinking it will protect us from future hurt. (See blog on Unforgiveness.)
Control as a Safety Mechanism: Withholding grace can feel like keeping control. The idea of “letting go” may seem like saying what happened was okay, which can feel vulnerable or unsafe.
Black-and-White Thinking: You might believe, “If someone did something wrong, then they are wrong,” leaving little room for human error or growth—especially if that growth doesn’t happen how or when you need it to.
How to Grow in Grace:
Start with You: Ask yourself, “Do I give myself grace when I mess up?” The more self-compassion you practice, the easier it becomes to extend grace to others.
Redefine Grace: Reflect on what grace feels like to you. “Do I see grace as a weakness or a strength?” True grace recognizes humanity without abandoning healthy boundaries.
Be Curious, Not Judgmental: Ask, “Has someone taken advantage of my grace before?” or “Am I wanting grace from others but struggling to offer it?” When someone disappoints you, try to understand what may have caused it before jumping to judgment. Set boundaries instead of casting blame.
Practice Healthy Boundaries: Grace isn’t about tolerating harmful behavior. It’s about knowing your limits and communicating them clearly. Boundaries protect your peace while still allowing space for others to grow
Grace and accountability are not opposites—they’re partners. Grace creates space for healing. Accountability creates structure for change. Together, they foster real growth and lasting transformation.
Remember, You Got This.
– Dr. Jennie
© 2025 Dr. Jennie. All Rights Reserved.
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