The Pain of a Peacekeeper: Why Avoiding Conflict Hurts More Than It Helps
On the surface, keeping the peace seems like a reasonable goal. Why wouldn’t we want things to stay peaceful? Conflict can be uncomfortable and can escalate into something harmful, so avoiding it doesn’t seem unreasonable. However, conflict and disagreement also offer opportunities for individuals to learn more about one another, deepen understanding, and develop the skills of compromise and teamwork.
While someone avoiding conflict may believe they are maintaining peace, it isn’t true peace that’s being achieved. Tension builds just under the surface. Peace is not simply the absence of conflict—it is a state of tranquility that does not harbor unspoken resentments, unmet needs, or buried concerns. Without the freedom and safety to be vulnerable in communication, peace cannot truly exist.
For the “peacekeeper,” avoiding conflict runs much deeper. It involves both clinging to the illusion of peace and avoiding the potential discomfort of disagreement. Peacekeepers often fear conflict and mistakenly believe that healthy relationships should be free of it. While their intentions may seem noble, this pattern can create unhealthy dynamics in relationships. Peacekeepers may sacrifice their own thoughts and feelings to avoid upsetting others.
But when peacekeepers withhold their vulnerability, the other person never truly gets to know them. This creates a lack of intimacy and depth in the relationship. At the same time, the person being “protected” never has the chance to grow emotionally because they’re not exposed to differing opinions or emotional experiences. The result is a cycle of “let’s not talk about the hard stuff” in order to keep everyone calm and avoid discomfort.
When we shield ourselves and others from difficult emotions, we rob ourselves of the lessons those emotions are trying to teach us. Emotions are like indicator lights on a car’s dashboard—they let us know how we’re doing and where we need attention. But if we turn those lights off, we’re driving blind.
So, why is it so hard to let someone be angry with us? Maybe it's because we experienced psychological or physical pain in the past when someone became upset. Maybe we paid a heavy price for not keeping the peace—or maybe we’re still paying that price now. Still, the solution isn’t to retreat from anger or avoid conflict.
Instead:
Acknowledge the other person’s emotions without compromising your own thoughts and feelings.
Communicate boundaries out of love—for yourself and the other person. For example: “I see that you’re upset and I want to understand your perspective, but it’s not okay to be disrespectful when you’re angry.”
Remember that disagreement doesn’t equal disrespect. Having opposing opinions doesn’t mean someone doesn’t care. It’s okay to disagree.
Be okay with others being upset. You don’t have to internalize or personalize someone else’s emotions. Find balance. If you need to take accountability, do so. But if someone doesn’t like your opinion or boundaries, that’s okay too.
Ask yourself: Does my need for everyone to be happy with me tie into my self-worth? When someone is upset with me, what am I telling myself?
True peace comes from being able to be yourself and feeling safe in your own thoughts and feelings. When peace is in you, it follows you wherever you go—regardless of who or what you encounter. Peace says, “I’m okay,” even when someone is upset with me. Because if they’re willing, I’ll lean in and work through it with them. And if they’re not, I’ll give them the dignity and space to feel how they feel—without trying to fix it and without internalizing it.
Remember, you got this!
-Dr.Jennie
© 2025 Dr. Jennie. All Rights Reserved.
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